plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
