Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Small penises have feelings too.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
