not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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