I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
