My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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