He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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