you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
