OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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