hotel room ftw
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
