My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize