you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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