If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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