Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
