The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
it was like his penis was on wheels.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm both gender and math confused
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize