if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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