I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
