I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
