i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize