last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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