So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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