SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
