I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
