Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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