i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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