your thong is hanging out like whoa
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My penis needs a shock collar
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
