watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
