why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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