The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
