I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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