On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
