tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
