he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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