I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
