Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
