Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
