its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
