I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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