i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
