Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
