your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
