There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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