Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
