when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize