this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
