Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
