I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
