Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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