She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
