normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
