im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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