Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
