The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
