So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
