He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize