Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
