I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
