I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Randomize
