I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
