I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
