why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
