is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
