I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize