Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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