I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
