so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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