Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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